The directive to love ourselves is a widely used modern phrase, a buzz phrase, a hypnotic good intention that sounds so correct, because…well, everyone should feel good about themselves, thus love themselves. Of course, everyone does want to feel good about themselves. But, the truth is, there are many who don’t. There is a myriad of reasons why; guilt, shame, anger, abuse, lying, criticism, etc. And, there are a myriad of ways to address and heal.
It is true that we have to be healed, or in process of becoming whole and healthy, to have productive relationships with others, and the world. To use the worn example of an emergency situation on a plane, we need to put an oxygen mask on ourselves first, before we put one on another, even a child. Being unconscious doesn’t help anyone.
I will venture to say that people, generally speaking, love themselves too much. It’s easy to do, because we are so interested in ourselves, our own interests, our opinions. But wait, you say. We are supposed to love ourselves. It’s a good thing to do. The vast majority of us do love ourselves. Its automatic, except for those who have had certain traumas, that prevent them from doing so. Because we love ourselves, the famous teaching to love others, as we love ourselves came into being.
Millions, if not billions of hours, and dollars are spent every year by people, especially those in the so-called developed world, on lessons, courses, workshops, and retreats with the aim to learn, or practice loving themselves. This includes all the various products, crystals, jewelry, images, food, nutritional supplements, natural artifacts, and whatever else that is supposed to aid and support loving oneself. How different is much of this New Age message different from the messages to pamper, love, and express ourselves, to find power, and to be free, found in the advertising for cosmetics, cars, etc? But, these are about material things, “lower” things, comes the argument. Yet, the lowest common denominator is the focus on I, me, and mine.
The endeavors to better oneself, to become a better person, to meditate, pray, and chant mantras, in order to elevate oneself, to perfect oneself, are all self love, a necessary self-involvement that is, well, egotistical. The moment when there is a heartfelt intention to better oneself for the sake of others, even humanity as a whole, then spiritual development truly begins. We can wholeheartedly hold the ideal to love everyone in the world, but the moment that we lose interest in someone or something, or aren’t listening to someone as they speak, our ideal is broken, or at best, weakened.
It is imperative that we become free from outside influences, and from our own karmic/ habitual thought and feeling patterns. This is a lifetime endeavor for the vast majority of us. It has been proven time and again, that when we free ourselves from our own habitual defenses, we free up our ability to love. So, yes, we must endeavor to better ourselves and grow. We actually have the means to feel good about ourselves at our fingertips at every moment. To the degree we consciously practice control of our thinking, finding equanimity in our feeling life, and mastering our actions, we will find an unshakeable confidence growing in ourselves. To create ourselves through these activities is the foundation for a healthy sense of well-being, which everyone deserves and wants.
Even so, to love always comes down to a choice; whether we will go beyond a certain inner comfort zone, or not. We must practice love. There are individuals we naturally feel inclined to love, or not. There are situations and individuals with which we must use our discernment to not engage. Otherwise, we experience our own sympathies and antipathies. Whether we feel a subtle, or a very strong antipathy towards a person, or thing, it is a time to practice love. To open up, even a little, to sincerely listen, and inquire about the experience of the other person, is putting love into action. To show interest in another, and to ask the Parcival question, “What ails thee?”, is the way forward to allowing love to blossom in the world.
January, 1, 2021
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